Total Read Time: 6 Minutes
I’m working on shortening the down time.
It takes weeks recently, but it’s been months before.
I spend so much effort and time planning: writing down ideas, plotting out their fruition, mentally wrestling my own discipline to start wanting it enough to make something happen.
That’s the secret, isn’t it?
Wanting it?
After plotting out these ideas, something happens.
It is almost reliable. All of a sudden, I stop wanting it, and time begins to elapse. I lose interest and fall into a sense of loss.
I don’t know what to want.
That’s what I mean by “it’s been months before.”
It took two weeks this time.
Today, I found clarity again.
Today, I want again.
In a world where we skip from
One desire attained
Into debt
The price for your instant satisfaction
To another debt paid through discipline
Laden with questioning whether it was
Worth it
To then
New desire visualized
What will you do with your lesson learned?
What will you allow yourself to instantly attain?
To gratify yourself with
What do you allow yourself to be spoiled by
And when spoiled what will you want for next
Did you ever stop wanting
Do you want to?
-A
I woke up today without an alarm.
Only my thoughts.
I woke up wanting to write something for you to read.
Something worthwhile.
I immediately accepted that I had nothing, so I decided to read.
I’ve been reading Anthony De Mello’s, Awareness. I put my bookmark in last time with maybe two short chapters left.
I would normally finish a book with so little left, but for some reason I hadn’t.
Anyway, the point is I really wanted to get back to reading, because I had so little of the book left.
I reached clarity while reading.
I was sparked with desire and knew what I wanted to write again.
De Mello, “Every child has a god in him; our attempts to mold the child will turn the god into a devil.” … “The religion that makes people good makes people bad, but the religion known as freedom makes all people good, for it destroys the inner conflict that makes people devils.”
Before the pious quote eats all your attention and pulls you away from here, let me explain.
I realized when I listen to my body and soul, I am constantly telling myself something. There is always something missing. Why do I feel like I always want something? How can I choose what to want and when to want it?
I am not talking about a new t-shirt.
I want to read, but talk myself out of it because I believe I’d just fall asleep during the first two pages.
I want to eat something really unhealthy and sit in my own filth, but luckily my pantry is missing the lord’s chips.
I get bored and think it’d be fun to drink some wine, but thank heavens for Andrey’s rule number 1: no drinking alone.
Pay Your Debts
When you choose to stay up late and watch Netflix,
then wake up early and go to work,
then come home and stay up again
doing some other impulsive thing,
you have racked up one hell of a debt.
The debt is with your own heart and soul.
I keep telling you, you have to love yourself.
And, you did. You indulged. It’s okay.
However, you now must pay the price.
There’s an order to things.
You have to catch up on sleep.
You need nourishing food.
You must enjoy some exercise.
You will want do some fulfilling work.
Sleep is your first debt, just like it’s somehow the easiest thing to give up.
If you’re not caught up on sleep, anything that isn’t an impulse will bore you and you’ll just fall asleep when trying to force yourself to do the right thing.
Food is your next impulse. You will be hungry, and you must reach for the nourishing food that takes care of you. We’ve covered this, you know what’s good for you.
If you hate running, exercise does not mean run. It does not mean burpees, just because you’ve heard that burpees are where it’s at.
Exercise is meant to leave you feeling better.
Pick something you like to do, maybe a scenic bike ride, a hike through a forest preserve, a longer walk with your dog.
Getting your body moving starts an inertia of loving yourself that can’t easily be stopped. All of a sudden you’ll want to do more good.
That’s where fulfilling work comes in.
This is the feeling you get when you’re ready to take action.
When you know what you want.
When the world is clear.
When is the last time you felt clarity?
I wish I could feel it every day, but like I said at the beginning of this, it’s been two weeks, and before that it’s been months.
Have you noticed some trend in your moments of clarity?
I mean it, I’d really like to know. I’m always trying to learn better ways of being a better me, but we’re all human and this is hard for everyone.
How about your fulfilling work?
What do you do that fills you with joy and satisfaction?
I write.
If you have the time, let me know:
Email
(Yes, I respond and read every one)
Andrey@andreystarostin.com
Instagram
a.o.starostin
Thank you, so much.
-A
STAROSTIN FILM 